It's Been A Long Time...

I cannot believe it's taken me almost a full 2 years to start up blogging again...but given the circumstances, it's not that surprising. Last time I blogged, I was unemployed. Welcome to the dismal economy of 2009. Shoot me now. After having "done everything right," I am currently in limbo. What to do? Where to go? The only sure answer is "not work at a law firm." That experiment ended in utter failure. The idea of going back to the billable hour and being at the beck and call of some partner whose insane demands give me stress dreams makes me itch.

But let's be honest, this could not come at a worse time. Special assessment? Check. Holiday season? Check. Already depressed about other things? Check. It's the trifecta of depression. All day, every day, for reading pleasure. Looking for schaddenfreude? Look no further...

Well, I'm back...

And no, I'm not quoting "Lord of the Rings"--though this is the last line of the whole book. And yes, I did watch the extras for "Return of the King" ad nauseum yesterday, which partially explains why the Sam quote was the first thing that popped into my head when I started to type.

So...what's new? And why has it taken me since August of 2006 to post anything new? I'm lazy. But because I am remarkably disgruntled about work and life and because I have come to the realization that even my friends have stopped checking this blog, I can now make free with the bitchy and snarky comments that run through my head on a constant basis.

So let us attack various subjects, shall we? And these, like the finalists for Miss America, come in no particular order:

1) Work.

Work sucks big hairy balls. I work a lot. And though I like the majority of the people I work with. I HATE the administration at my firm. A bigger "tropa de idiotas" (as my father would say) has never existed. And while I am delighted to be employed and therefore not living in a box under a bridge in the heinously cold weather, I am less than thrilled to learn that I earn approximately 1/2 of what my friends earn. So, I am surreptiously searching for new employment. Which brings us to No. 2

2) Job Search.

Man does searching for a job blow. I am so tired of feigning interest in a place that will, if they hire me, simply shut me in a dungeon with boxes and boxes of documents for me to review while my skin gets more transparent and my belly gets flabbier and more bloated from the steady diet of Diet Coke and free food left over by the trial team. I know that it is bad for me not to be excited about places where I am interviewing, but I get tired of faking. You know, like when you finally get tired of faking orgasms, and the dude you are with is completely stunned that you didn't come. I can only play the perky interviewee for about two interviews...and then I'm done. Unless you buy me some kind of gift that lets me know you're a "keeper," I am incapable of any more faking.

I think that'll do for now...rest assured, more complaints exist, I just can't verbalize them at the moment....

hottt pants...or captain save-a-ho

it seems only inevitable that having lost keith michael, my affection would be won over by one who has remained stealthy in the background (or perhaps the editors at bravo deserve more credit than i had previously given them as my now-beloved michael seem to come out of nowhere in this episode of PR). oh michael. ye of the ambiguous sexuality, enormous talent and wonderfully colorful phrases (captain save-a-ho is a choice example and a phrase that will live on in my heart forever).

i think that i am prepared to predict my ideal final 3 contestants--michael, laura and allison. i'm still waiting for andrea's fleurchon's to get her kicked off...i mean how many times can you sew a scrunchie onto an outfit and call it chic? jeffrey's neck tattoo and his bitchy attitude make him the new person i love to hate. and i love my gays (kayne and robert), but i feel like kayne is a one-trick pony and robert is just lucky that people sucked worse than he did.

which leads me bradley. poor, adorable, bearded, doe-eyed bradley. who managed to avoid cher in both the 1970s and the 1980s. how is that possible? did he never see "mask"? or "moonstruck"? or that "if i could turn back time video"? what about the numerous bob mackie attrocities that cher has visited upon us all? surely that would be memorable? the weird mohawk for the oscars? what about the mushroom hat? surely bradley can relate to 'shrooms? (i'm just guessing here).

but the episode as we all know belonged to michael...michael and pam grier. a match made in heaven.

oh holy rosette, batman!

okay. those of you who know me, know that i am "project runway" freakazoid. i read blogging project runway; i read every snarky sarcastic recap that i can find; i obsess over making sure i can be home on wednesday nights in time to watch...i curse out others for talking during the episode. and though i have no illusions that i can ever, ever compete with the recaps that i read on other sites, i can't help but throw my 2 cents into the nether regions of the intarweb...so...some thoughts on last night's episode.

1) um....producers and cameramen, how did we not notice keith michael's stash of fashion books prior to this episode? obviously the cameraman noticed them in time to zoom in on them while kayne and vincent were discussing the demise of keith michael. shouldn't y'all have found that earlier on? way to drop the ball guys? or...what's even worse. way to know that you dropped the ball and try to milk the issue for ratings but then fail miserably at it because it can't be a bombshell when tim gunn shows up to "auf" someone prematurely when the whole room's been gossiping about it...fire your story editor for messing up the pacing of your so-called drama...yech.

2) keith, keith, keith. you know? i actually loved your clothes...and i felt bad enough for you to think, for a split-second, "aw, man, that's a tough break.....he got kicked off the show...and he didn't even use those pattern books." but then i snapped out of it. there are rules. you signed a contract. i don't feel bad for you. at least, i don't feel bad that you've made a fool of yourself. you were in control, man.

3) rosettes. angela, you are the luckiest woman alive. your taste is awful. your clothes are ridiculous. i don't care that you told the new york times that people love your accessories. remember when you told us you were from ohio? that's why they love your accessories. so shut up about yves st. laurent and please, please, please get "auf"ed in the next 2 episodes...because i can't take you any more. i really can't. but before you go, you should get laura and michael flowers or champagne or something because honey, they saved your skinny midwestern ass last night....

it's been a while but...

let's see what's happened, shall we?

1) i've lost 11 pounds. my clothes are starting to get loose. i've decided that in 2 years, i want to run a marathon. i'm a friggin' different person and it's kind of wiggin' me out.

2) the crush i had on my coworker was dead. then it revived. then it died. then it revived. i think all signs point to the fact that i need to get out more. he's old. and prissy. and i'm neither. so you see it would never work...even aside from the fact that he has a girlfriend who lives in canada. (and if you don't get that reference, you clearly don't have any business reading this blog.)

3) i have been crazy busy at work. like today. i'm in the office. i should be frantically working. but i forgot to set my alarm. woke up late. worked out. straightened my now-red hair. it's almost noon and i still haven't officially entered panic yet. it's like i'm no longer afraid. which can't be a good sign.

4) mr. sunshine can still manage to offend me. it hadn't happened in so long that i thought he'd lost his touch. but in fact, 2 times this past week, he made my jaw drop with his perverse, slightly sexist and offensive comments. it's nice to know that somethings never change. my favorite moment was when i told him that hahvard had said he wanted to make me a lady (and let's not get into the fact that hahvard was teasing, but i took him seriously and went ballistic on his ass) to which mr. sunshine commented, "i finally got you the way i want you. how dare he try to fuck that up?" that's right. i've been in de-sensitivity training for a year and a half. i can finally hang with the boyz now; i can't have a prissy boy fucking that up for me....though i have resolved to try to swear less in front of hahvard since he's a girly-man and can't take it.

5) jezebel came to visit. i miss her. and her profanity. and her stories. she and roomie got along fabulously. it's strange, but true that they are kind of the same person. weird...i just hope they don't become *such* good friends that i'll get cut out of the middle. sad panda.

6) my extra shot of espresso is starting to kick in so now would be a good time to do some work....more after this hellacious weekend is over. i promise, malek. i'll try not to fail you again.

Odd...

Have y'all ever seen a person whose center of gravity is just a leetle off? There was this man in line behind me at Starbucks this morning, who I thought was going to for sure fall forward and take me out in the process...but it turns out that he just stands like that....on the balls of his feet and tipped slightly forward. Man, if I stood like that and I were drunk, I would just fall all the time...oh wait, I already do...yeah. It wasn't *that* interesting...it was just...odd...

Hands off my mug...

okay...i had been warned about this, but I had no idea it would happen to me. today i went into the kitchen to get a jello pudding out of the fridge, and there it was. my "drama queen" mug that malek picked out and purchased for me as a gift so that i would have my own mug at work. now i had been told that some people used other people's mugs. but you know, i thought that meant they'd use a mug that could possibly be considered a "free-for-all" mug...you know, from westlaw or some court reporting service. but not my mug. my jumbo-sized mug with a cartoony drawing of a woman's face and a crown...that would be absurd. everybody would recognize the mug as being mine because everybody was already talking about it...but no. some asshole used my mug. so i retrieved it from the sink, washed it in detergent with scalding water, and will no longer store it in the kitchen with the other mugs, but rather store it in my desk. for safe keeping. along with my "drama queen" glass which some of the secretaries "borrowed" from a nearby pub. how nice of them to think of me...